I was surprised reading my last message about reaching the 100lbs gone mark. It came out kind of angry and bitter. And I really don’t feel that way. Life is much better and I’m very happy about it.
Some of the angst was that I’m starting to forget what it was like and although that seems normal, I don’t want to forget it. I think it will be many years before I’m not a fat person in a skinny body (assuming I continue and lose all the weight.) So I was trying to capture some of the horror of the old life.
Some of the angst was in realizing just how hard this year has been post surgery. I guess there isn’t an easy way to lose 100 lbs, but I thought with the surgery it wouldn’t take everything, but it has. I’ve spent the last three days trying to decide if I should risk a peanut butter cookie. Oh, not a “real” peanut butter cookie, but even a diet one might make me remember that I like cookies and that I will have to work to give them up again.
I think I have been lucky that I haven’t really had any psychological backlash yet. I’ve felt more like I was becoming younger, returning to how I looked four or five years ago. But now I’m starting to reach the point where I haven’t been this skinny in my adult life and I don’t have a template to restore to. Now I have to decide who I am without the fat being my number one problem and place to hide. I think my next six months might turn out to be harder than my first six and I think I started to get a inkling of that when I wrote the other blog post.
But, no worries. I’m happy. I’m moving forward. I’m even excited about discovering me. Ok, occasionally overwhelmed, but that seems par for the course.